Thursday, July 12, 2012

Morning glory where are you? I seek that I may find, 
a patient leading hand, and gentle peace of mind. 
My fears of Your silence, and my prayers for Your will
challenge my faith to deepen, remaining firmly still

Morning glory I can't find You. 
Your face from me You hide
I struggle to feel Your presence, 
not trusting Thee by my side

 You ordained confusion to linger, 
calling faith to set the stage
Ignoring the start of anger?
beginning yet another page

Morning glory are You able? 
I fear that I might drown.
Without your arms around me
I fall to the ground. 

Morning glory I strive to know You
But see that I was wrong
In my perception of Your beauty
that to You it all belongs

Morning glory it was hidden, 
Your voice which once was sought
The purpose of Your plan,
was nothing more than my own thought

Morning glory I don't know You,
my heart and mind divided
But trust Thy ways in spite of
pain with fear collided

Now daily I fear Thy will
you stripped me bare to bone
Nothing do I long for
Nothing do I own

Not even my own purpose 
Is clear for me to grasp
You hold it from my fingers
so not to selfishly clasp

The story that you tell
The pages You are writing
Is not for me to mess with
or struggle with still fighting

Morning glory it's not about me
the pain, the curse, Thy will
I don't always accept Thy wisdom,
But squirm to trust Thee still

Morning glory You are able
in owning this messy life
Igniting a deep new passion 
restoring a heart of strife

Morning glory I can't see You
but hidden You are not
The power of Your glory 
Deters my eyes to stop

Don't you see what's happening?
His glory is the pain
So bright we keep from seeing,
but a purpose we will gain.

Morning glory You are shining
so clear, so white, so pure
But blinded you wish to keep us
with strength so we can endure

The puzzle slowly softens
As pieces match in line
Painting for us the picture
that mystery is Your design

Being blinded by Your glory
Our sight quite overrated 
As you seek to rescue,
the broken, dead and jaded.

Morning glory You remind me 
One thing I know for sure
That seeing is not believing
But a hindrance to the cure 

I wrote this poem in representation of a lesson I am struggling with grasping. That His glory often comes in the form of pain. It is bright, and at times unable to be seen, but it doesn't mean it's not there...right where it is supposed to be the whole time...blinding us. When we can't see clearly, it forces us to trust. 

I know the context is quite different...but this verse is interesting in how it fits this blog post.

 Exodus 16:6b-7a
In the evening you will know that it was the Lord who brought you out of Egypt, and in the morning you will see 
the glory of the Lord...

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Scattered thoughts of fear and faith on a sunny Saturday morning...

God demonstrates His goodness to us through the exercising of His it's complete attire.  His will is not always fun, peaceful, exciting, carefree, or desirable. But who am I to argue? I saw an interesting quote yesterday: 

"I believe that there is a tapestry being woven and I only see the back side of it right now. " 
Nell Johnson

HA! Yes. I relate completely. 

With the negativity I have felt running through my veins the last six months, I am challenged daily with how to respond to the emotional and human side of pain and misfortune. Like I have stated repeatedly in many blogs recently, I am sensing a strong call from God right now to wait on His direction, before jumping into whatever is next. And many of you know how absurd that feels to me, since "doing" has always been where I felt most satisfied in who I was. He is using this time to strip me bare, and show me a better way...resting...waiting. The condition of my heart, is of more significance to Him, than my "fruitful labor." I often wonder how many times a day He roles His eyes at my pride.  My heart is learning new levels of faith, and how to process through gut wrenching moments of emotional trauma, and allowing my mind to practice new methods of thinking. Perspective is HUGE I am learning. Sometimes I struggle to smile. I never thought I would be that person.

Yesterday, I was having yet, another heart to heart with my sister Lindy. She mentioned how snappy I can be, without realizing it, and this was hard to hear. It's not all the time, but more than the old Christy, by far.  Later, my mom told me that I am not as patient as I once was. They are both right. I didn't argue, but it did make me sad. The negativity is oozing out, it's not hidden like I would like to think it is.

Later on, I said something aloud to Lindy that I was shocked to hear come out of my mouth as we were chatting, but at the same time, knew with certainty was pure truth in regards to where my mindset is. "I am not used to having things not go my trials always end quickly, and there is always hope. This is not the case right now, and I don't know how to handle not getting my way." She laughed. I sat there, stunned at my spoiled self. Oh dear.

In moments where I find myself squirming with the "discomfort" that is life right now, I cringe, at myself for how ungrateful I am.  Do I regret my move back from Egypt? Not for a second. Do I often want to return? Yes. But, I don't question that I am right where I am supposed to be. Getting to be with my family is a huge blessing, and it frightens me that I am taking this for granted. Sometimes I do have to escape the chaos and hide out, but I am trying not to make this the habit. How many people don't have the luxury of parents are who are alive? married? and interactive. I have incredible parents...a close (but crazy) family, and I am so excited when we are all together. I am in a small category of being truly blessed with this one. This morning it hit me how many people I know of that have recently lost a parent, or received the news of a disease that will soon take a family member.  I need to soak up this time with them...this year is precious time, not to be rushed through, but lived.

Last week I began reading a book titled "The Gospel of Ruth." It somehow ended up in my book collection, yet I cannot seem to remember who gave it to me. Because of how much I have moved, I have become quite skilled at reading a book once, then passing it on. I never read a book twice, and rarely keep them for reference.  I Googled the book title and saw that it was rather controversial. So of course I had to dig right in and figure out why, as well as where I stood on the issue.  

So anyhow, at the beginning of the book, the author was comparing and contrasting Naomi and Job, and saying that actually she had it much worse than he did, but how we often skip right over her in order to get to Ruth and Boaz, the juicy stuff.  Anyhow, I have gotten completely off focus, so let me make a u-turn. She also mentioned how Christians will often brag of their faith through trial.

(See the pic at the end of this entry of a typo I found in the book, it's funny)

 Hmm. I stopped reading, and thought about how many of my recent blog posts have been on this very faith struggle. But I honestly can assure you my intentions were not to self promote my "faith." It's been the contrary actually. I write primarily to myself...challenging myself to remain faithful...talking myself through tough stuff. If anything, it's the struggle with my faith that has made me re-think so many elements of my relationship with God, and even my view of the gospel, scripture, and Christianity as a whole. I did feel badly that maybe I was communicating an arrogance in my writing. Oh well.

The truth is this. I look back at my journal entries from a year ago, and I read through the entries these days. I often wonder who that girl was. Did I have faith then? Yes. But I have grown leaps and bounds in the past six months in my understanding of how chosen faith is a vital responsibility of the believer. When I am angry at God; when I am angry at others; when my theology and my emotions disagree; when I question my dreams; when I feel totally unheard or alone. If I did not have the assurance of His hands guiding my life, and hearing my pleas, I would have crumbled beyond repair. It's the assurance of His power, and the faith He has given me to keep believing Him that has pulled me through, and is still pulling me out of this pit. Nothing else could do it. Do I feel like I am practicing faith?  NO. But, the power of the Holy Spirit reminds me of what I believe in the Truth of His promises, and His will. Blind faith is brand new to me. I feel like I am way behind others with this, so please excuse me for just now seeing what this means. 

The pain is still very rich. The uncertainty and anxiety seem to be Satan's favorite cards to play against me...mostly first thing in the morning, or late at night. And my confusion of His sovereignty knocks daily. I can't choose when things will turn around; when/if my questions will be answered; when/if natural peace will subside again.  But I won't allow myself to mediate solely on these struggles (cause trust me,  I would).  In a moment of anger and frustration last week, I picked up my Bible and just began reading the Psalms aloud. It shocked me how my heart rate slowed, my breathing returned to normal, and my head cleared. I have often returned to this practice throughout the week. "His word is alive." Yes indeed.

We can't help that we are human. But we can help if we choose to live this humanity purely under the influence of our flesh, or if we allow the gifts the Spirit desires to pour down upon us. I personally don't want to do this alone, and can't imagine how people do. So much has changed in what I desire, where I see my life, what type of work I see myself involved in, and it is a blessing that has grown from this hard chapter.

Can you find the typo in the pic of that book? Leave me a comment if you do... I am curious how noticeable it is.