Scattered thoughts of fear and faith on a sunny Saturday morning...

God demonstrates His goodness to us through the exercising of His will...in it's complete attire.  His will is not always fun, peaceful, exciting, carefree, or desirable. But who am I to argue? I saw an interesting quote yesterday: 


"I believe that there is a tapestry being woven and I only see the back side of it right now. " 

Nell Johnson

HA! Yes. I relate completely. 

With the negativity I have felt running through my veins the last six months, I am challenged daily with how to respond to the emotional and human side of pain and misfortune. Like I have stated repeatedly in many blogs recently, I am sensing a strong call from God right now to wait on His direction, before jumping into whatever is next. And many of you know how absurd that feels to me, since "doing" has always been where I felt most satisfied in who I was. He is using this time to strip me bare, and show me a better way...resting...waiting. The condition of my heart, is of more significance to Him, than my "fruitful labor." I often wonder how many times a day He roles His eyes at my pride.  My heart is learning new levels of faith, and how to process through gut wrenching moments of emotional trauma, and allowing my mind to practice new methods of thinking. Perspective is HUGE I am learning. Sometimes I struggle to smile. I never thought I would be that person.

Yesterday, I was having yet, another heart to heart with my sister Lindy. She mentioned how snappy I can be, without realizing it, and this was hard to hear. It's not all the time, but more than the old Christy, by far.  Later, my mom told me that I am not as patient as I once was. They are both right. I didn't argue, but it did make me sad. The negativity is oozing out, it's not hidden like I would like to think it is.

Later on, I said something aloud to Lindy that I was shocked to hear come out of my mouth as we were chatting, but at the same time, knew with certainty was pure truth in regards to where my mindset is. "I am not used to having things not go my way...my trials always end quickly, and there is always hope. This is not the case right now, and I don't know how to handle not getting my way." She laughed. I sat there, stunned at my spoiled self. Oh dear.

In moments where I find myself squirming with the "discomfort" that is life right now, I cringe, at myself for how ungrateful I am.  Do I regret my move back from Egypt? Not for a second. Do I often want to return? Yes. But, I don't question that I am right where I am supposed to be. Getting to be with my family is a huge blessing, and it frightens me that I am taking this for granted. Sometimes I do have to escape the chaos and hide out, but I am trying not to make this the habit. How many people don't have the luxury of parents are who are alive? married? and interactive. I have incredible parents...a close (but crazy) family, and I am so excited when we are all together. I am in a small category of being truly blessed with this one. This morning it hit me how many people I know of that have recently lost a parent, or received the news of a disease that will soon take a family member.  I need to soak up this time with them...this year is precious time, not to be rushed through, but lived.

Last week I began reading a book titled "The Gospel of Ruth." It somehow ended up in my book collection, yet I cannot seem to remember who gave it to me. Because of how much I have moved, I have become quite skilled at reading a book once, then passing it on. I never read a book twice, and rarely keep them for reference.  I Googled the book title and saw that it was rather controversial. So of course I had to dig right in and figure out why, as well as where I stood on the issue.  

So anyhow, at the beginning of the book, the author was comparing and contrasting Naomi and Job, and saying that actually she had it much worse than he did, but how we often skip right over her in order to get to Ruth and Boaz, the juicy stuff.  Anyhow, I have gotten completely off focus, so let me make a u-turn. She also mentioned how Christians will often brag of their faith through trial.

(See the pic at the end of this entry of a typo I found in the book, it's funny)

 Hmm. I stopped reading, and thought about how many of my recent blog posts have been on this very topic...my faith struggle. But I honestly can assure you my intentions were not to self promote my "faith." It's been the contrary actually. I write primarily to myself...challenging myself to remain faithful...talking myself through tough stuff. If anything, it's the struggle with my faith that has made me re-think so many elements of my relationship with God, and even my view of the gospel, scripture, and Christianity as a whole. I did feel badly that maybe I was communicating an arrogance in my writing. Oh well.

The truth is this. I look back at my journal entries from a year ago, and I read through the entries these days. I often wonder who that girl was. Did I have faith then? Yes. But I have grown leaps and bounds in the past six months in my understanding of how chosen faith is a vital responsibility of the believer. When I am angry at God; when I am angry at others; when my theology and my emotions disagree; when I question my dreams; when I feel totally unheard or alone. If I did not have the assurance of His hands guiding my life, and hearing my pleas, I would have crumbled beyond repair. It's the assurance of His power, and the faith He has given me to keep believing Him that has pulled me through, and is still pulling me out of this pit. Nothing else could do it. Do I feel like I am practicing faith?  NO. But, the power of the Holy Spirit reminds me of what I believe in the Truth of His promises, and His will. Blind faith is brand new to me. I feel like I am way behind others with this, so please excuse me for just now seeing what this means. 

The pain is still very rich. The uncertainty and anxiety seem to be Satan's favorite cards to play against me...mostly first thing in the morning, or late at night. And my confusion of His sovereignty knocks daily. I can't choose when things will turn around; when/if my questions will be answered; when/if natural peace will subside again.  But I won't allow myself to mediate solely on these struggles (cause trust me,  I would).  In a moment of anger and frustration last week, I picked up my Bible and just began reading the Psalms aloud. It shocked me how my heart rate slowed, my breathing returned to normal, and my head cleared. I have often returned to this practice throughout the week. "His word is alive." Yes indeed.

We can't help that we are human. But we can help if we choose to live this humanity purely under the influence of our flesh, or if we allow the gifts the Spirit desires to pour down upon us. I personally don't want to do this alone, and can't imagine how people do. So much has changed in what I desire, where I see my life, what type of work I see myself involved in, and it is a blessing that has grown from this hard chapter.

Can you find the typo in the pic of that book? Leave me a comment if you do... I am curious how noticeable it is.