The Sting of Death
Shock. Drama. Agony. Joy. Butterflies. Solitude. Sadness. Hope. Death. These are just a few of the words that describe my life the past 11 months beginning with the loss of my job last May and then my sudden move to the Middle East. My world was transforming because my Father was at work...writing my story by ending a chapter and beginning the next. I wish I could paint the emotional rainbow I have encountered...
In the past 6 months during my time in Egypt, one theme has been consistently in the present, something I had never really faced, been forced to process, or to put it simply...ever had to relate to. DEATH.
January 21st was the day I lost one of the most important people in my life. That was the day my dear Aimee got to finally see the face of Jesus. Shortly after Aimee's death, it seemed I couldn't escape the news of people dying. These were not people close to me, but they have families left in pure devastation. Losing Aimee introduced me to a new world of agony, and I had never taken the time to process that people are dealing with it daily...everywhere. It was new to me, but not new.
I have watched a friend of mine here in Cairo process through the death of 2 brothers in 3 months, and now witnessing her own husband deteriorate from an aggressive cancer. When will it end for her? Or will it? This weekend I received the news that a family we know back home lost their 9 year old son after a long battle with Leukemia. Nine years old...I have never met this boy, but my heart shattered for this family. Immediately my 10 year old brother, my nephews and the boys in my class came to mind. What would I have done if it had been one of them? What words would I have had for God? Let your will be done? Yesterday, I received the news that the orphanage I volunteer at was mourning the sudden loss of the young priest who runs it. He is a father figure to those children....very involved in their lives...their example...he was their daddy. I froze...REALLY GOD? You took a father away from children that were already orphaned...and then rescued?
A couple of weeks ago, while wandering an old cemetery at dusk, a friend of mine and I sat down amongst old graves. "I don't understand death," he said. Looking puzzled, I thought..."who does?" I had no idea why he thought he should understand it. "I don't understand how we are supposed to feel about it," he stated. Now I was getting his point...and I agreed. I don't know how to feel about it either.
My heart is more confused about death now than it ever has been..but why? It has always been a factor no one can escape...it's always been there...lurking daily as our possible destiny. But the other day, as I was thinking though these horrific tragedies while doing the dishes, something struck me. What if God is smiling at death in how He has redeemed it? What if He is just looking at us and thinking...you're not ever going to understand it...but that doesn't make it wrong. People are being passed into glory..into GLORY...we don't get it. The earth stands in our way...our own humanity is blinding us. We don't get it. I mean, if He allows it, then it must be right. It must be perfect in the present even though it is the ultimate result of sin. It must be. In my anger, I lost sight that God controls death...death doesn't control God. We are not meant to live on this earth forever. Our families aren't meant to stay units here...some get to go early. We can't change that this is part of God's plan...and that as believers we have to grasp that it is a joyous occasion. Maybe not here, just north of us and not far, there is singing...there is rejoicing. I am not saying it is wrong to be sad...to be devastated. I know I will be faced with this agony again. We cannot make our minds comprehend that this is good...because we only see one side. But flip the coin over...and there it is ....
Christy from someone who has also dealt with the loss of someone very close I have to tell you this is very well said. Thanks for sharing and continuing to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteIt helps me to think of holding two seemingly contradictory things up together in my mind and just accepting that they both are.
Death *is* the enemy. It's here because God's creation is broken by sin. It's hard, it's ugly, and I think we are right to hate it, with everything we have.
But because of Jesus, death is not the end. He *has triumphed* over death; in him, we will triumph. In him, death is birth into Real Life. And so we are right to celebrate the entering into Life of those we lose.
Grief, and anger, and weeping, and pain. Rejoicing and celebration. Side by side.
Until He comes and wipes away every tear.
Come quickly, Lord Jesus!
I am so sorry Christy, I know just what a terrible thing you are going through. Death is such an awful, unbelievable thing, and the grieving process hurts so much, and never seems to end. And indeed, we never do get over the loved one we have lost, but continue to miss and mourn them as much as we celebrate the life they lived. But eventually we do start to feel better, celebrate our own daily lives once again (sometimes even more fervently), and know that God has a plan in mind for each of us, no matter how much or little sense that might make to us.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in 7th grade, I rather suddenly lost my Grandma Craig to Breast Cancer. Most kids do lose a grandparent at some point, but I was SO close to her. I had never even given death a thought until then, and for that entire year (and then some) I was in such a dark fog, at first in disbelief that she was gone, and then a feeling of incredible agony and sadness every day and night. Nothing else really mattered to me that year, I was just completely lost in my grief. I may have been young, but it hurt so much, and I still have not forgotten that feeling, or how much I miss my Grandma. I still cry sometimes, remembering all of the sweet times I had with her, and how I can't have those anymore. But I know she is smiling and happy in a much more amazing place than I can ever imagine, and it makes me happy.
My family also knows the family of the young boy you have spoken of; he attended the same school my sisters and I attended, and his Grandmother was a good friend to my mom, as well as a teacher to my sisters. It is such a terrible thing to see such a precious young one's life cut so short, and so incredibly difficult for any of us to understand.
I will be praying for you and thinking of you; take reassurance and joy that with our Lord, life is eternal and beautiful, and that someday we will all be reunited in Him, and that is all we will care about: basking in His glory, praising Him. I know right now it's hard to concentrate on those thoughts, but I also know that eventually, you will look back at these dark times and be encouraged to know that God helped you through, and is always there for each of us. Hugs to you!
~Christina
Reading your well-written post made me think of this Mars Hill Church Sermon recently preached by Pastor Mark Driscoll. Thought you, or anyone else dealing with death, may be interested in watching/listening to it.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/jesus-raises-a-widows-son
The life you're living is very encouraging to me in my faith! Thank you!! May God bless you and continue to reveal more and more of Himself to you.
-Lisa (Hogan) Nelson