Without Expectation

BEFORE I start...go back and look at the first picture..the word in Arabic written behind that woman says "beautiful"...isn't that amazing?

In a few weeks, I will be heading home to see my family for a brief, but crucially needed time. It will have been almost 8 months since I bid them farewell last November. From the moment my funds were finalized, until I stepped on the plane was just a few days, and the shock was still fresh during my final goodbyes. Drastic life changes I didn't expect and couldn't prepare for directly around the corner.

The car was loaded down with my 7 boxes and mom and I were on our way to the airport when she said to me, "You are going to change...there is no way you will come back the same Christy that is leaving today." I couldn't tell at that moment if she was happy about the thought of me changing, or if it made her sad. I couldn't read her.

As I boarded the plane, my mind was racing and so consumed with fears of travel details that I was able to push the pain of leaving family deep inside as a coping mechanism. I was afraid my stuff wouldn't all make it through, that I would be overcharged, that I would get stuck in London, that no one would be there to meet me in Egypt...I allowed these concerns to replace focusing on walking away from loved ones. Well, here it is, months later, and the emotions I felt leaving them, are surfacing...and I just want family. Skype has become my means of seeing my nieces and nephews petite faces fill out and their vocabulary expand. The fact that they recognize me sends happy shivers down my spine...thank you Jesus that they know their auntie.

Being home will be short, but being separated from Egypt will assist in helping me put together and process through the chaos which is now life. My work here is divided into several different projects. Most of these fall into the realms of teaching....local Egyptians, Sudanese, expats, and orphans all are the faces of people I get to serve. All these souls contain different challenges and varying struggles...but all have contributed to the forming of my call.

I don't understand what HE is up to in all the miniscule details of where I am pulled day to day. I have stopped trying to reconcile my "purpose" for the point of momentary solitude. Waking up...asking the Lord for an obedient spirit...an open mind...a soft heart...and a controlled tongue are the daily duties I am sure of. Sounds simple...but never have I felt so challenged in meeting the requirements of the call. I can't put it into a simple chart...a summary...or even a friendly conversation. What HE is doing in me has burst the seams of my expectation upon arrival. What HE is doing through me is His business...I have stopped worrying about it. That doesn't dismiss the sharp reality that I am anxious and cannot seem to release the need to control the details. What is He up to? What is right around the corner? Why can't I decide what is best for me? Who is He making me to be? Where is He taking me? How is He using me for His purposes? Why can't I make perfect sense of all this? Simple: sanctification at its best