A reminder for westerners leaving Egypt and returning to their homelands...

Choosing to begin one's life in a foreign place such as Egypt, creates a variety of arrival scenarios. Many would say it is similar to jumping out of a plane..."Ready? GO!..but don't crash!" We all crash at some point...but our landings all tell their own stories.


We of course have those individuals who arrive smiling. Their "landing" was picturesque and they begin giddy at all Egypt has to offer. Somewhere around two weeks into it, the exotic flavor of their new home wears off, and suddenly their lives are flashing before their eyes while almost getting trampled by a child driving a donkey cart. Reality smacks them in the face, but it doesn't take long for them to get over the hump of "OUCH" and simply adjust to the fact that they aren't going home...this IS home. They may find themselves a complete grouch while sifting through how their paradise is now, well, not so much the case. These are the funniest people to watch process...their love/hate relationship is quite normal...and healthy.




There are also those individuals who hit the ground running, and never seem to stop! They take on Egypt by force...having zero grace with those of us on the more fragile spectrum and cannot seem to understand our annoyances. Even when someone butts in front of us in the grocery checkout with an overflowing cart, yet NO deodorant, in the stifling heat which is now unbearable for our noses as well. Yep. When we mention such things, these are the people who prefer to be the martyr...rolling their eyes. Supermen...annoying.


Lastly, we have those people who seemed to land flat on their faces. Egypt broke them upon arrival, and it seems they will never forget this. You know the people I am talking about. The ones who refuse to just laugh off the absurd parts of this culture, grinding their teeth at every little thing that isn't like their home country, which we all assume was thankful to get rid of them. These are the people we are all hoping will leave, but secretly agree with their complaints more than we are willing to verbalize.


Yet here we are...all thrown together, an eclectic group of expats, trying to survive in this mad land. The thing is that whether or not we want to admit it, we have actually become quite accustomed to life here, picking up it's quirks and adopting their ways of life as our own. The problem lies in remembering that a lot of what is "normal" here is not permissible in the west. Some of these habits our countries will simply laugh off..but others, well, others aren't exactly laughable. Making certain to transform ourselves back into our purely western mentality will take months...and in reality, most likely will never fully occur. Here are some reminders of things to watch out for, habits to break, and rules to remember upon re-entering the west.


To western foreigners returning to their homelands...PLEASE REMEMBER:


DON'T make a public scene. Yes I know it's how we get things done here, but if you do this in your home country, you may get security called on you. Yes, even if they wrong you, you can't throw a fit. There is protocol and it does not require screaming. As adults, you are expected to behave like one. No name calling, no spitting.


Walking out in front of quickly moving vehicles can only mean one thing back home...a very painful suicide attempt. I understand it's almost impossible to break this habit, but "western drivers" don't know how to dodge hitting you. They haven't had the practice Egyptian drivers have had, and they will hit you. Plus, you'll get a ticket..yep, even in the road is completely clear. Yes, I realize the west is paranoid.


Understand that you will pay WAY TOO MUCH for produce tasting quite bland. It's just a fact, Egypt has excellent produce, and it costs pennies. Oh, and don't try to barter the price down...it's not an option.


Don't try to pay the waiter for water at restaurants...it's free remember? YES! even the refills.


Umm...if you find yourself reaching out to hold your female friends' hands...STOP...slyly adjust your hand back toward your own body...and whew! She'll never know. NOPE, not even an option to cross the street! There are crosswalks remember? Avoid awkward and just trust me on this one.


If at any point, you accidentally hit someone's car while driving, yep, even a gentle tap, you must stop and evaluate the situation. No, don't worry about the police coming...that's supposed to happen...and NO, don't try to bribe them.


Men wearing dresses are not in galibayas...nor are they most likely religious. You can assume you have happened upon a cross dresser...the polar opposite. Snap a pic, and book it!


Even though you have become accustomed to memorizing only two male names, Muhammad and Ahmed, in western societies you have to remember many more. People tend to be a little more creative in this department. Unfortunately for some children...too creative.


If see a man hitting a woman, pick up your phone and get that man's booty in jail! It's your civil duty to respect that woman by standing up for her rights. Yes I know Egypt doesn't agree. No, our police won't laugh at you, they will come!! Nope, traffic won't be an issue.


When out in public, it's probably best NOT to offer a bite of your sandwich to a stranger. Yes, I know thats what is expected of you here, but you didn't do it before you moved to Egypt, so don't do it after you leave either. Westerners actually are terrified of your germs, and don't care a lick about your food.


I realize that we have gotten really good at using our elbows and booties to acquire a place in "line", but this will just get the average westerner ticked at you, and you will find everyone asking you to "please move to the end of the line" and wait your turn. I know, it's frustrating, but we don't really have a choice with this one. Survival of the fittest means nothing in the west.


Just because your streets are quiet at 11pm doesn't mean you need to panic! There is no curfew being implemented...people most likely just went to bed.


If you invite someone over at six, they will come at six, so don't think you have a few extra hours and wait until then to jump into the shower! They will be there at six, if not a few minutes before.


Now I understand that living in Egypt has boosted the self esteem of many of us, so I will just be blunt. Not every man in your home country is going to think you are the most beautiful woman in the world. It doesn't mean you aren't attractive, it simply means that when complimented, smile, and say thank you. Yes, you are allowed to smile. And, this compliment is not linked to your foreign passport.


In the inappropriate occurrence that you see a man exposed and pleasuring himself in public...CALL THE POLICE. This actually is illegal. I know we deal with this here by simply turning away, but remember, you can help fight crime. Call this in ASAP. 911...remember? No, they will get there quickly!


If you are short of cash, don't ask the store clerk if you can drop by and pay tomorrow. I know, but your good reputation is worthless in this context.


You are going to see girls showing their knees and shoulders. This is perfectly normal. So put away those nasty looks we always give the foreign girls who travel here and obviously DID NOT read their guide books about cultural sensitivity. Yes I know it's idiotic, and we paid for their foolishness, but what's done is done. They probably didn't notice the that everyone considered them as sluts anyways.


Buckle up! and not just yourself, but your kiddos too! Also, don't let anyone see you driving with your baby on your lap. No, not even if they are screaming, but only if you were hoping for a visit from Child Protective Services. You know, the people whose job it is to help protect kids?


When driving it is essential to remember the following: head lights are required in the dark (it doesn't matter if you are saving them for emergencies only); overuse of your horn will cause you an accident; no matter how much space is between two cars side by side, the creation of a "new lane" is not an option. Other drivers are actually trying to AVOID hitting you, so help them out with this one, k?


No matter how much you beg, McDonald's will not deliver to your front door. Nope, not even if you bribe them. Speaking of bribes, remember, bribing is not acceptable in the west, and actually could get you in really big trouble. Yes I realize this is how Egypt functions, but we can't bring this back to our country.


Trust the police, and no, don't yell at them. They want to help you...not get into your pants. I promise...let your guard down and let them do their job. They are the good guys.


Jumping onto a moving bus may be seen as some sort of attack, so it's best if you wait at the specified bus stop, and then get on. Bus stop? They are usually marked with signs and come on a schedule. Remember? A schedule is when things occur at certain times...no, not all the buses will come at once like here.


Bus and Tram drivers in our countries will eat breakfast before they go to work, so don't worry about bringing the driver something to eat so they won't have to stop and make you wait. I promise.


When you are finished eating at a restaurant, don't flash the "check" sign across the restaurant. The waiters/waitresses in the States will think you are calling a "time out"...remember? It means something totally different in Egypt.


If you see a child sleeping on the ground in public unattended, CALL THE POLICE. It's actually not okay, and our police want to help our children. Nope, they won't laugh at you.


When applying for a job, if your religious preference comes into question you DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER. It's none of their business. Yes I know Egypt makes it their business, but America actually practices religious freedom.


If you wish to lay down and read at the park, you may. Women and men are equals in the west, and no one will think you are flaunting your body...it's perfectly acceptable. Remember, western men are expected and trained to CONTROL THEMSELVES...and for the most part they do. It's a miracle.


Nope. Our cats in our home countries are not overweight. This is how they are supposed to look and that sound you hear is purring. It's the sound they make when they are happy. It's totally normal to go to sleep to silence, rather than cats screaming in the streets below. I know, the purring is relaxing isn't it. No more anorexic cats.


You may not double park you car. Nope, not even if you leave it in neutral for someone else to push out of the way. Lame, I know. Us westerners can be such babies about these things.


Unless you want to pay a fat fine, do not throw any trash in the streets. Nope, not even in the piles of other trash. In fact, America over does this whole "trash can/recycling" thing, so finding somewhere for your trash should be easy. The problem is when you have to take 15 mintutes to read all the directions of which type of trash it is, and which container it goes into.


Men may sit by you at church. No more passing notes to your male friends sitting on the other side of the sanctuary. No, they won't be lusting at you during the service, at least they shouldn't be, so it's perfectly fine to be sitting side by side. Don't go off running, it's totally okay.


Be alert of the fact that there are more than two religions in the world. Upon your arrival to your native homeland, you will encounter people that are neither Muslim nor Christian. I know...crazy right?! Actually, there are many...and they live peacefully. Nope, you shouldn't have to deal with any shootings related to religion.


It's completely acceptable that you find yourself thoroughly irritated with your home country once you return. You are correct in saying it is safety obsessed, paranoid, and full of self promoting worriers. Our addiction to systems, order, personal rights, space, and personal comfort at any cost are well...OVERDONE. Welcome back to western culture where everything is germ free and safety coded. We brought this perpetual state of paranoia upon ourselves...this web of trying to prevent dramatic things from occurring which has only created a society of frightened control freaks with ulcers and the inability to just be still. What's wrong with the west? it's complicated. But they would probably say "that nothing is wrong".


Remember, upon your arrival home, you may say whatever you want. You email is not being checked...and your phone calls not being listened to. It's called "freedom of speech." You know freedom? remember? Resepct...rights...equality...justice. Ring a bell? I realize you haven't touched on those in a while. Yep, you have the legal (although maybe not moral) right to say whatever is on your mind. Nope. No one cares.