Decisions and Lessons

 

I didn’t know it was possible to feel so disconnected from my own body. Once a unified entity that made me whole, it can feel as if flesh is now the enemy…that the soul and body are in a war with one another. Carrying cancer cells, one must come to terms with the fact that a peace treaty can never truly be reached. Trust has been broken. Safety and security are a thing of the past.

I am not saying I am scared, angry, or paranoid. Actually, I am none of those things. But I have had to accept my new reality that my body decides what happens next. Apart from the delicate realization of what life may become, is my newfound acceptance of what I have become. You don’t realize how attached you are to pieces of your identity until they are gone. In my case, it happened over time. But, one morning I woke up and it hit me…hard. I looked in the mirror at the woman with short hair, a puffy face, manufactured chest, and no eyebrows. My eyelashes are doing their best to hang on, meaning the synthetic ones are still in their box. Ecstatic for the little wins, I wasn’t expecting. Each day I make the decision to put on the wig, because in a sense I feel more like myself. As my hair grows back, courser and with gray, I ponder how I will look (and feel a year from now). Will I  ever choose to go wigless to work?

Sometimes I get tired of the process…fearful of what all these procedures and meds are actually doing to me. Radiation is about to start. It was a tough decision to arrive at, as I went back and forth on what was ultimately best. On one hand I felt confident enough with the “cancer free” declaration I received. But what if they missed something? I couldn’t risk it. When dealing with an aggressive form (as mine is) it’s not something to play with. I struggled to come to a decision, but was grateful after the call to schedule radiation was made. It finally felt right.

So there I sat, staring at my work computer in a daze, contemplating life altering decisions about my body, my peace of mind, and what risks are worth taking. On the outside it looked like just another day at the office. But I can assure you it was not. So many questions…so many opinions....so much love and support.  I do not know what my body is doing, or will plan to do later down the road. So if there is one lesson I am learning, it’s to release control. This life lesson is challenging me to love other people better, to not waste what I have been given, and to appreciate the joy in knowing God’s sovereignty is the safest reality.