When we pray for change...

It wasn't necessarily my plan to continue blogging after leaving Egypt...mostly because I didn't expect that I would have anything to say.  Or any confidence that people would read it. But people have kept reading ... which is cool. It's one thing to journal, another to blog. I asked myself the following question: At what point do I decide to make certain writings public? Basically, If I think someone out there could benefit from a piece of my own journey through lessons, pain, challenges, or even my joys.

 On several occasions over the course of the last five months, I have tried to take a break from blogging...but all too often I catch myself mumbling things on repeat  (like in the car driving, where a lot of verbal processing takes place, ha!) , and occasionally decide it might be good to put it out there. Yes I realize they can get personal, but sometimes that okay. I don't publish it all. I am careful.

Based on the consistent challenges that have laced this period of my life, I am attempting to view this chapter in my story as a solid chunk of rich lessons. Not that life can't always be that, but I do think certain times we just slammed and bruised more than the norm. Bleh! I wouldn't choose some of the things I am dealing with...in fact if there was any other way for me to learn these lessons, and this stuff about myself, I would probably do anything to select option B.  Yes anything. If I didn't know the love of my Heavenly Father, or trust in the power of His sovereign will, then I can't picture it being at all possible for me to get through some stuff.  People need Jesus...we all do...and not just for salvation. We need His power. We need His grace. We need His favor. We need His example. We need his discipline. We need His compassion. 

Choosing to walk with the assurance of salvation, minus the benefits of daily life with Him is a lonely road. Although there have been times I have willingly chosen that course. But that's for another time.

Back to now...

When we are struggling, feeling like our circumstances are spiraling completely out of "our" control, it can take a toll on several factors: our health, our faith, our relationship with God, as well as our relationships with those around us. Various individuals deal with the stress of pain differently. Some over reflect, spending too much time alone. Others can't stand the idea of being alone, and pour into their social lives, always needing to be interacting with people. Some throw themselves into distractions like their jobs, a hobby, or a relationship, whether with a significant other, or focusing their attention on a family member or friend. Some try to re-create themselves and what defines them. Whatever the circumstances, we all cling to some method of comfort that has served us well in the past, or gives us some sense of relief. We gravitate toward what numbs us. Then there are those of us that don't know where to focus, constantly altering our coping mechanisms...looking anywhere to take the focus off the frustrations, the chaos, the pain, the unknown.

No matter the person, we all can agree on one thing, We know we want change. Typically, we want the change to come in the form of changing our circumstances or changing the way we feel.  We know something needs to be different...living like "this" just isn't an option. Well, I recently came to the conclusion that yes, there is something that needs to change. But it isn't necessarily circumstantial.

Maybe, I need to start praying that God changes me.

 I have chosen to trust in a sovereign God who has the power to do whatever He wants...whether it is in agreement with my desires...or not. Everything we encounter has an impact, and I fully accept the frightening reality that I will be effected...but how? Will I become bitter? lose my faith? become an angry person? become guarded and untrusting? hostile? or a pessimist? Will I lash out at others? Turn my back on those I cherish most? Stop pouring out? Stop praying? Or will I be unchanged...like a wall...refusing to let it all sink in and do the damage which  might be necessary to change me the way I need to be? Ouch.

 I want to be changed. If there is going to be pain, then I want it to be worth something as a key factor in my story. I want to release control, allowing it to do what it was designed to do in me. 

Now listen, I am not going to pick apart whether circumstances are purely results of my choices, His choices, or a combination of  both. It honestly doesn't really matter to me. The point is, I face what He chooses to allow. Whomever is responsible is beside the point. He allows it (or determined it) for a purpose. I believe that His goal is to pinpoint areas that need to be changed in us...and do it. 

As my prayers are shifting focus...things are still difficult, and some days are really tough, but my acceptance of what He is doing is growing, because of the changes I see taking place in me.  No, I am not in favor of what He has chosen to allow, but I accept that if He allows it, that the changes that take place in me are necessary. 

Ultimately, ideally we should desire change in ourselves. But we don't. Sometimes it's a looooong process due to one particular painful circumstance, or a little nuggets all linking together. At times it's change related to pain, change related to joy, or change simply as a gift of the Holy Spirit through the prayers of others for us, not even desiring change in ourselves, but a desire God places on the hearts of others to pray for change in us.

As I work through the issues I am currently facing, I can't help but ask that I be changed as a result. It's a yucky process, especially when the challenges bringing us to a place of brokenness are already painful ones, but I try to look at the whole picture and see it as the blessing part of the pain. I know it will be worth it at some point, even if I am struggling accepting that today. (That's what I have to keep telling myself).

And for the record, no I don't think that all of those areas will be "fixed." But hopefully evidence of changes taking place will occur.

When we ask Him to change us, we are trusting in His sovereign grace to put the pieces back together, forming a more useful and flexible tool for His glory. That is until He breaks us again. It is my experience that He breaks us and puts us back together sometimes multiple times.

Am I willing to be flexible for His purposes? Not generally. Yikes. Only if the calls He is placing on me fit into my box. I can see as I am writing this that I can't both surrender and control. ugh.

We need to stop focusing and obsessing so much on changing our circumstances, fighting His design, and allow Him to help shift our energy and prayers to asking Him to change us. Is it possible to simply acknowledge our need to change...and ask for it? I would say yes.

The night that Jesus was crucified, He knew that what He was about to face would be the ultimate pain. He knew it had to be done, but He still fought it. He asked if there was another way.  Clearly, nothing is worse than what He went through when God's back turned on Him. 

But that doesn't dismiss that what we face here on earth can be unbearable at times... excruciating...beyond repair in some perspectives.  Jesus knew the change that would occur for humanity as the result of His obedience in His love for the Father.  I think we often look at Him in those moments in the garden and see His Divinity, when really we should be focusing on His humanity... and how it was affected.

Change me...when joy is replaced and confusion lingers...change me.

When death swallows life and sin takes a ride...change me.

When I lose control seeking self before Thy will...change me.