What do I know?

I started this entry a few weeks ago...tried working on it several times, but was not able to communicate in words what it was I wanted to say. Something clicked this morning, and I was able to finish it. It's heavy, so please handle it carefully. Thank you

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 This entry was base off Ephesians 6.

Recently, I was driving, and caught the ending part to a song. Although I only heard a few words, I knew I needed to find a way to finish it to completion.  I quietly whispered those few lyrics to myself as I drove, with the intention of Googling it the moment I walked in the door. 

I later learned that the song was titled "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road, and it has pretty much been on repeat in my I-tunes ever since. In moments that the panic of stress sets in, I rush to a quiet place, and just listen to it, it has calmed me down repeatedly. What do I know of Holy? 

That pain is part of it. That pain can be good.

 It occurred to me that the reason I am so fascinated by this particular song, is because it brings me back to reality, sometimes multiple times a day when I find myself questioning God. Truth is  that He needs me to understand that I should never expect that I will ever be able to comprehend, as long as I am on earth. I don't think we are expected to know Holiness in its full form. I don't think we can.

Never in my life, have I caught myself challenging God and His intentions for me, as much as I am these days. I catch myself giving Him "advice" about things, making small suggestions,  getting angry, getting disappointed, or simply avoiding Him at times.  I find that although we are "fighting" more than ever before, we are closer too. That is what I am most thankful for right now.

What do I know of Holy? Apparently not much. The more I work through these past few months of being back Stateside (at least for a while), participating in a normalcy of life I was never attracted to, looking at things from a strange and new perspective, and swallowing my dreams of what I thought my life would look like, I am being forced to admit that the concept of Holiness, that I thought I "understood"...couldn't be more of a mystery. In fact, as my struggle increases and I try and catch a glimpse of what the Heavens are up to, He just re-directs my eyes to simply trusting...not searching. Huh? Not searching for God? That's right. It's the searching that is my problem right now.

Here is what He is teaching me:

I think looking to Him, and wanting to "see" Him in everything, can often distract me from feeling His presence, simply trusting He is there. It has come to my attention that even my own seeking trips me up. Sometimes I can feel Him gently turn my eyes from looking up,  back onto the day ahead, and the opportunities He has set before me... gently asking me to walk forward, knowing He is with me, even though He is choosing to make Himself invisible. When things begin to get even a little shaky, it is as if I stop moving, and search for His face, demanding He make Himself clear, seeking a tangible reminder of His presence. When I demand He prove himself visible, I find it distracts me from the journey, from the tasks I am supposed to doing. The truth is that I know He is there, guiding my steps, and at times carrying me. I need to stop insisting that I see Him. I see evidence, that should be sufficient. But in my human stupidity, it often isn't. The search can become a cold test...not Him testing me, but me testing His sovereign Holiness. But do I dare doubt His plan? I actually do all the time.

When He chooses pain...I can often remind myself that He is with me, but that doesn't always mean I believe He knows best. To put it simply, I usually don't believe Him.  I allow my emotions to take the lead and I often doubt His wisdom...His reasons, His purposes. When those closest to me are suffering, and I witness it, but can't change their circumstances, it produces anger in me. When anxiety rises, and I see that I am not as strong as I thought I was, I cry out, surrendering my weakness, and claiming His strength. When emotional or spiritual pain shows me a new low yet again, and I see new tests to overcome...I am learning to believe Him. Why is it that in those moments, I know He will come through, yet struggle immensely with the truth that His Holiness saturates those circumstances...the situations I fight Him most in? 

What do I know of Holy? I know that I don't know, nor should I expect to. If we caught even a glimpse of the spiritual battle going on all around us, would it matter? It might. But that is yet another example of believing things are significantly more involved, dangerous, and premeditated than we could ever even begin to understand. What makes me think that I should be allowed to comprehend Satan, God, their relationship...the dark power at work in destroying me, the sovereign Heavenly power at work in protecting me, and the evil that He doesn't allow at times or even let me see going on around me? It's dangerous. It's a secret. Let Him win it...and just trust Him. 

I am starting to see that emotions may be the result of my spirit grasping bits of the aftermath of a fresh war...a battle recently in motion for my attention, my life's course, my mind. Just because emotions get set on fire does not mean something is wrong. Feelings may simply be an indication that attack is near, either in the past or future. It seems that sometimes He allows us to sense an attack, but sometimes not. I wonder how many we are saved from, and never know of? 

There are times that drastic life changes are part of it all. Just because God removes us from the course we thought we should be set on does not indicate a mistake, but maybe a rescue. When our hearts want one thing, but He calmly says "no", it is a reminder of His Holiness in action.  He is saying "no" for a reason. That "no" is actually a "yes" to a blessing...but why is it that we rarely see it that way?

 We can fight Him, we do all time. But I am certain that if we were to witness even a sliver of true Evil in action in the spiritual realm, and what the Enemy looks like as he prowls around like a lion seeking to devour, we would think twice.  Would we still fight God at work? I am not saying those secrets of spiritual warfare should be visible to us. I would guess quite confidently that humans were designed differently from angels in glory and fallen angels, because we can't handle the reality of the spiritual world at work, and what is truly happening. We are only allowed to witness a small degree of it. 

It seems we are being protected from what we were not created to properly process in our flesh. Although it's very real, it's also significantly inappropriate for us. When I take the time to think of it this way, I stop questioning so much. 

I (like you) am a key character in these wars, a prey to vicious predators, and schemes are being made to destroy me. They linger, they wait, they attack...I think it's best I allow Him to take over calling the shots, summoning His angels to fight fire for me. It's probably best I never see it in action, at least while it's still happening. Maybe in Heaven, we will hear more of the invisible fights for our freedom that took place during our time on earth.  I forget about the unseen, the war, the evil, the Light. Surrender is the wisest option.

But often I don't remember this....and have to be reminded.

He wants us to surrender and tell him of our honesty...our anger...our mistrust. He expects it. He knows we don't know Holy, understand its course, its tactic, or even its place in a sinful world. What I am learning is that He even wants our dreams. I always said I understood this...I can assure you now, I didn't.  

His desire and will is for us is to allow Him to put the shattered piece back together in the correct form that He wants the freedom to design. Sometimes He breaks the vision we long for, so He can show us a better way...knowing we will fight Him....but still demonstrating patience and providing us with the proper amounts of peace and strength in certain and chosen moments. 

He knows. We Don't. That should pretty much sum it up.

Ephesians 6:12

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

I read this quote this morning Faith does not say "I see this is good for me, therefore, God must have sent it." Instead,  faith declares, "God sent it, therefore it must be good for me."

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Below are the lyrics to the song. I ask that if you have not heard it, that you look it up on youtube or itunes, and read the lyrics as you listen...and then let me know what you think, if you want to.

I made You promises a thousand times

I tried to hear from Heaven

But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too small

I never feared You at all No

If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?

Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about

How You were mighty to save

Those were only empty words on a page

Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be

The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?

And a God who gave life "its" name?

What do I know of Holy?

Of the One who the angels praise?

All creation knows Your name

On earth and heaven above

What do I know of this love?

What do I know of Holy?