More of my story...

What defines us?

The last few months, as I have been walking a very strange, yet weary road. I have found myself lost on a rabbit trail of self reflection. I don’t necessarily think it has been a good thing. Actually, I would say with confidence that it’s not. Normally I would indicate self-reflection as a positive part of the life of believers…quite a vital responsibility and necessary task. But, in my own journey recently, it has consumed me, even holding me back from confidence to make any major decision at all. Basically, it seems I don't believe that even God is capable of working through my own sin and selfishness.  

I fear that any road I choose will only be tainted with self.  Why? Because I see it all around me, I witness it within my life’s patterns, and I am watching its effects in Christian ministries of all capacities. In my judgmental spirit, I get uneasy at the thought of “being like that.” This isn't kind, merciful, or appropriate...but I can assure you that it's there, festering in me. In some ways it has paralyzed me. The Holy Spirit says,  "Oh Christy, you are not leaving room for God's grace in your own life...and by the way, stop picking apart the way others live theirs."

Last year, I wrote a piece titled “Disney Says Follow Your Heart…Oh Dear.” That was the beginning part of this mental captivation on this particular concept. It was that entry which led to this seed being planted and taking root..."this seed" being my sudden (but late) awareness of the dangerous impact of Christian ministry on those who do it.

Now for the question I posted earlier. What defines us? It is natural to slip into being defined by a specific trait that characterizes us, giving us confidence in who we are. This is the attribute that draws the most attention, or that we are most proud of, most consumed by, or even brings us the most pain. It’s where we find our identity, fulfillment, purpose, or completion. We don’t often choose it, but a label slapped on us by those around us.

It's not wrong to be known for something, identified by a trait, or carry a particular reputation. In my experience, the danger comes when we find ourselves clinging to  this trait or reputation, as the root of our identity. 

I hadn’t thought much about this, but it was revealed to me recently, in my own pursuit of a plan, that maybe my rush to have a goal was tied primarily to needing to be defined by something…needing an identity again.  Yikes. 

For most of my life, I never lacked in this area. I was known throughout my “various worlds” (Charlotte, Cairo, Washington)  for different things. Having a certain reputation or identity was never an issue. I was always known as the “Seifert sister who…” or “the teacher that” or “the American girl…” or “the one that…”

I found my identity in what others thought about me…or how they identified me based on things I had accomplished, goals I had, talents I exercised, or my personality traits. As I would hear of patterns developing in how people referred to me, I would slip into, “Well, I guess that means I am…” both positive as well as negative aspects to my character and personality.

Then everything changed. After ten years, God brought me home. I was no longer any of those things that I was known for previously. I was just me. I didn’t have any special trait, job, talent, or dream to attach myself to. Thus the enemy slithered in, whispering these thoughts to me, "Uh oh, Christy. Now what? What defines you now?"

This is a question any of us could ask ourselves. What carries our identity?

  

Is it….

Our career?

Motherhood?

Fatherhood?

Our marriage?

Our lack of?

Our ministry?

Our call?

Our talents?

Our dream?

Our children?

Our morality?

Our Biblical knowledge?

Our Spiritual Maturity?

Our ability to lead and counsel?

Our Godly example?
Our appearance?

Our strength through trial?
Our reputation?

Our theology?

Our ministry?

Our personality?

Our pain?
Our unique story?

As I think through how ministries in particular work today, I see a thread occurring that terrifies me, because I have been/am there. Thoughts and statements like the following frighten me the most:

I am faithful, therefore God has blessed me…

This call/vision is what I was created for…

I am trusting Him, and will see fruit as a result…

It’s time. Now I can begin what I have been working towards…

I was created to do this job…

I am the right one to do this... 
This is what gets me out of bed in the morning...
I live for this... 
This couldn't exist in its best form without me...

What if that fruit is pain? 

What is He allows these ministries, these visions, these calls, only for a short season? What if they are part of the plan, but not the end result? 

What if He changes things in the middle of what we see as 
the “purpose”? 

What if He closes the door? 

What if He allows change in direction? 

What if He allows destruction?   

What if I end up with little or no praise?  

What if this was created so it could then fall apart?

What if He takes me away from this and gives “my work” to someone else?
What if the point of this whole thing is to humble me?

I am not saying it is wrong to work toward something…to cling to a dream, a call, a vision, and to be dedicated in accomplishing it. I can only hope we do strive whole heartedly to what He calls us into. What makes me uneasy is when we allow these parts of our journey to define us…finding our purpose and identity in these elements. 

Because look at it this way… 

What happens when "that one thing" is removed? 

What happens to who we are in Christ 
and our relationship with Him? 

Are we only serving Him for the benefits of His blessings? 
or to get a good reputation? 

Do we yearn to demonstrate ourselves as "humble" 
so others will notice?

What is the "high" we are receiving from it that 
keeps us going? Is it His glory? 
It should be. 

I wonder how often that truly is the case.

Are we more consumed with what others think about us and our need to gain their approval? 

Are we driven by this need to be seen as “a martyr” or selfless? 

Are we overly obsessed with appearing "unmaterialistic"...thus mature?

Are we determined to make ourselves appear as “the good friend”, “example mother”,  “sacrificial missionary” or the 
“compassionate one who puts others first?” 

Do we find our identity in pain and pity from those around us? 

Do we feed off our hunger to be noticed, whether through our confidence, our faith, our generosity, or our even our humility?

What fulfills us? What do we want others to think about us? How far are we willing to go to ensure that it happens? Just because we are pouring into a ministry that God is using to change the lives of others, does not mean we have the right to claim it as “ours”.  Just because we see fruit does not mean we are responsible for those blessings. Just because we have a God given passion or desire for something does not mean we can throw ourselves into allowing it to consume us. Just because He may answer “yes” to our prayer does not mean it is ours to control or claim. No project, job, call, person, or desire should hold the entity of our identity. And just because we pray for His glory, does not mean we are selfless in that either.

It bothers me that my mind has gone there…picking things apart to this degree. Not trusting Him to rise above the sin in my life is stupid on my part.

Prior, I was always confident about aspects to my Christian life, never questioning too much, never digging too far beyond the basics, just allowing God to be God, and asking for His faithful hand to guide me, (although I always questioned things, that's always been me). But, I was lighter on my feet. It’s not like that anymore. 

Based on recent events, I can’t help but want to go deeper in understanding my responsibility in what it means to be His. Today, I hate it. It feels like a burden. I guess the more we see the hold sin has on us, the more we identify with how it rots through even the most "pure" parts of our lives. There is no escaping it, but that cannot remain the focus...we have to leave room for God's grace too. Yes there is sin, and sometimes we find it in the places we least expect it, but there is also grace. And that's something to cling to, right? I think reflection is a tool, but overuse just shreds the soil...we need to be careful with it. Being paralyzed by fear of our own sin is not necessarily a safer option.

Why can’t it be as simple as we seek Him, and He helps in keeping us on track? I think it can be.

I know that He is allowing me to see these issues as a reminder to be careful, but...I certainly don't believe He wants me to be fearful within my reasoning and processing. That's no good either. 

I have come to the conclusion that even our striving to understand Him more, can serve as an unhealthy obsession, hindering us. At some point we gotta just let go, and say, “I am a sinner, but Your blood covers me, providing grace in moments of my own selfishness.” Lead me, and show me the necessary truths to bring You glory.

And then leave it.